Uh…hello? Anybody there? Man, this is so awkward. But I honestly don't know what else to do. I'm really and truly at the end of my rope. I've never prayed before in my life—never really even considered myself the least bit spiritual—but I just feel so profoundly lost, and I have to give this a shot because…because I'm desperate, okay? I'm absolutely desperate.

How do I even do this? Do I just kneel down right here on a cloud and start talking? Is that how this whole praying thing works? You just talk and hope for the best, right? Well, here goes nothing: If someone is out there listening to me right now—oh, man, this feels so stupid. I sound like a fucking mental patient! Okay, okay…sorry. Let me start over: If someone—or something—is out there listening to me right now and can help me, I could definitely use it.

Christ. I have no idea what I'm doing. But this is all I have left.