We all knew this day was coming. We were warned about the threat of aliens. No, not the ones from Mexico! Only right-wing idiots quiver in fear about those; no, I’m talking about invaders from beyond the stars! They come from so far away that even Sarah Palin can’t see them from her house! They’re so advanced that not even Newt Gingrich’s Moon base can stop them!

But the people have spoken! When the ravenous alien hordes come for our women, 65% of Americans choose President Obama as our champion over Mitt Romney. Sorry, Mitt. People probably think you’ll outsource the human race to our new corporate alien overlords.