“It’s not FAIR!”

Ah, the scorpion sting of injustice. Unfortunately, no parent can protect their child for very long. The first pangs can be felt as early as infancy. If you doubt this, you’ve never seen a woman trying to breastfeed twins at Target. Stumbling on this brutal tableau a few months ago, I was never so grateful to have been spared the blessing of multiple births. Or functioning nipples.

Take it from my eyewitness account, sucklings: fair play goes flying out the window when your brother’s the alpha twin and his boob just ran dry. As I watched this bully boy forcibly unlatch his bawling sister from her rightful tit, I wanted nothing more than to shout over to the wounded child: “Scream out, Louise! I know things seem hopeless now, but justice will prevail. There’s a little thing called karma, and that little areola thief is gonna get his comeuppance in the end, I guarantee you, child. Everybody does.”

Until I remembered Karl Rove, the Teflon exception to this rule.